Je retourne!

So, after a year long hiatus from my whining and bitching, I am trying to get back in the habit of updating this blog.  I have opted to have separate school & home blogs, so I will limit this one to school related issues.

First, and update: I got a job!  Since my last pity party post, I had some more luck in the employment department.  I got a job at the start of the school year (literally the Thursday before school started) as a long-term sub at a high school.  This was seriously the best job ever, and it made me long for public school employment.  The kids were great, the hours were wonderful, and I got some good recommendation letters out of it (not to mention experience teaching upper level French).  I also taught two sections of English which helped me decided my next educational endeavour will be getting an English endorsement.  Unfortunately, that was only an 8-week gig, leaving me unemployed for another 2.5 months.

In January, there was a spree of French job openings.  I had three interviews and ended up with a job at a charter school in Detroit.  Not my dream job, but good pay and I got to teach history as well as French.  Even better, I have a signed contract for next year, so I at least know I will be employed in the fall.

While I really like the school I am at- it's infinitely better than where I was last year- it has its downsides.  For one thing, the hours are absolute bullshit.  Report at 7:30, leave at 4:15.  The 7:30 doesn't bother me as much as the 4:15- I don't get to pick up Charlie until 4:50-5:00.  At the public school, I could stay after school for an hour and still get him by 3:30.  This takes precious time away from my family, and it will be even harder if I have another little one at home (which is the plan for next year). 

Second, they really strive for what I feel are "crossing-the-line" relationships with kids.  It is expected for you to give out your cell phone number to students, and that isn't cool with me.  I will be getting a Google Voice number for next year to handle that.  I definitely want to have positive relationships with my students, but I don't think that really requires me texting them to see what they are doing on a Friday night.  They also expect teachers to spend HOURS after school, either tutoring, coaching, or running a club or activity.  Again, I would be more than willing to do this, but the school day is just too damn long!  I REFUSE to sacrifice my time with my family for students.  I love teaching, but I love my family more.  I see no point in procreating if I am going to raise someone else's kids, ignoring my own.  Call me a bitch, and I'll wear that label proudly.

Another issue I had, and I think this speaks more of starting at a new school in the middle of the year over anything else, but the teachers were rather cliquey.  I was excluded from a lot of stuff, which was particularly brutal at the end of the year when I would find all the teachers watching movies in one room (because anyone who taught seniors was done teaching at the end of May), and I was not invited in.  It hurts, but again, I can see that A) I am not exactly the most bubbly person in the world and B) they have known each other for 2+ years and only known me for a couple months.  If I do return (and all signs point to yes), I should be able to get to know people better, and hopefully things in this department will change.

Finally, I have discovered that, at least in inner-city schools, I cannot teach the way I like to teach.  I wasn't able to do things the way I did at my first school or even where I was a sub.  And I don't like it.  I am going to attempt to implement new things next year, since in all likelihood I'll be working with freshmen, but I think my style just doesn't mix with urban kids.  As much as I bitched an moaned about the first school I was at, but that was how I liked to teach.  With the history classes I taught, I really hated what I did with the classes.  I did maybe two debates and the rest was read and answer questions.  I HATE that.  I HATE that I did that to students.  I know I was really over my head, but I cannot use that as an excuse.  I knew better.  I also really botched what could have been a fantastic elective by turning it into a movie class.  Pathetic.  I am so mad at myself about that it is unreal.  But what's done is done.  As of now, I will not be teaching history next year, so I don't have to worry.

So that brings us to the present.  I am now starting to wrap my head around plans for next year (tenatively that is).  I am still applying to any and every French & Social Studies (as I have officially completed the RX endorsement!) job I can find, but I am not getting my hopes up.  I am just looking and if something pans out, fantastic.  I just am happy to know that I have a job regardless.  It may have shitty hours and annoying policies, but it has good pay and benefits.  So now it's on to planning and adapting stuff for next year.

Au Revoir!

Je suis désolée

So I was just reading my previous 8 posts, and I came to the realization that the majority of them are just bitching.  In lieu of this discovery, I am going to do my best to make all subsequent posts more positive.  I need to let go of the anger & annoyance and just accept things for what they are.  My life is actually pretty good.  I have a great marriage, a wonderful little boy, a decent house, and we can actually survive if I don't have a job (not that I'm going to stop looking, though).  This blog needs to be about productivity, not complaints.  À tout à l'heure!

J'estime que je suis inutile

So for the first time since the week before my 15th birthday, I am unemployed. I keep going through all the choices I made along my educational path and am kicking myself for many of them. For instance, why did I have to love French? Why did I always feel Spanish was such an inferior langauge that I refused to ever learn it? I'm thinking that after social studies, I will be learning Spanish and getting an endorsement in that.

I wasn't officially fired; the new management company just decided I wasn't going to fit with their master plan to save a failing school. The rational part of my brain recognizes that the school will most likely go under next year anyways: from what I hear of this year's 11th graders, it is unlikely they will have adequate MME/ACT scores to convice the charter university to remain open. That is, unless the teachers help them cheat, which apparently is all the rage in standardized testing. They fired several other GREAT teachers, so I know it isn't a reflection of my abilities as a teacher. I can come up with all these wonderful reasons that I am not a bad teacher, and I am not a bad person. It's just there is something in my internal wiring that says "YOU MUST BE EMPLOYED TO BE A WORTHY HUMAN." I don't know where it came from; my mother worked on and off during my childhood, and neither of my grandmothers worked. I just feel like I will go crazy being a stay-at-home mom.

I know there are women who do it and love it, but it's certainly not for me. I've only been home 5 weeks this summer, and I'm already bored. I'm not productive when I am at home. I guess I need to develop some sort of schedule. Clean at x time, laundry at y time, etc. I need ADULT CONVERSATION and I have no friends who are mom's and teachers. I have no friends that are stay-at-home moms. I have very few friends in general, for that matter (it's my sparkling personality for sure). I'm atheist, so that rules out a lot of ways to meet people (no church groups or bible studies for me and my boy). I am also worried that Dave will take advantage of this. "You're home all the time, so you need to do all these things while I work on my computer." I will go nuts. It is inevitable.

I had 4 job prospects: I interviewed at Troy Athens, but they went with a teacher who had more years of experience. I applied a part time position in Southfield, but that position was cancelled. I applied to a sub position that is technially an internal posting, but they posted it on a public website (which may speak volumes on the district), so I don't even know if I can truly count that as a prospect. Finally, I applied to a great school that is an hour away. They don't close the application until August 9th, so I have to wait until the 10th or later to even get a call for an interview. My first school is hiring a part time French, but it would cost more in gas to get there than I would make in a part time position. UGH WHY DIDN'T I STUDY SPANISH??!!??!!

Anyways, that's my rant for today. I have a feeling I'll be updating this more as my adventures in unemployment continue. Should I change the title to "Confessions of an Unwilling Stay at Home Mom"? To be continued.

Merde

Well, it's 1am, and I planned on being up at 6. I can't fall asleep. Today, we found out that there is no way we'll be getting a house anytime soon. We are in a stupid situation where we can't get a mortgage because the business car and Dave's car (paid by the business) are in his name, that damn rental property (while it has a clear history of being rented for the last 6 years), and our current mortgage. Until we can get rid of some of those assets, we won't be eligible for a new loan. We couldn't sell this house if we wanted to because they just aren't selling. I don't even think we can realistically list it until we move out because of the dogs.

I hate this feeling of stagnation. Dave can look at it and say "we have a nice house" or "we're better off than most people," but I don't see it that way. I see it as "we live in white-trash-ville" and "why the fuck did I decide to not save any money when I was younger?" If I had saved money then, I could have spent more time in France and then have gotten a better paying teaching job. I know I should just be pleased that I have a job, but I can't help but think that I am a failure. I can't envision myself raising a child in this place, but at the rate things are looking financially, our first child will be born when we live here, unless I decide to wait till 30- and that's not happening.

I just can't help but feel regret for some of the decisions I've made in my life. Too many "what-ifs" floating around. I have to find a way to get out of this mess. I need to find a way to make more money so we can get a damn house and move on with our lives. But how?

Il y a beaucoup de choses à faire!

I think people really underestimate the job of a teacher. Most people think it is all about short hours and summers off. While I am just as happy as my 7th graders to be out of the school building, I am far from off this summer. Basically the next 7 weeks will be dedicated to revamping every aspect of my classroom. As a first year teacher, I found myself to be a failure in many aspects; they say you suck until about year 4 or 5, so I'm on par and not too worried.

1) Organization- I was really lacking in this department. I thought I had everything worked out- as I assume most teachers do- and found that most of my procedures had fallen by the wayside. I only have one class set of books to be shared with 3 classes of students. Although I thought I had made the signing-out procedure clear, I finished the year with three books missing a week after I had located all of them. I have some ideas for aleiviating this next year but still need to work out the kinks.

I started out the year with a class binder, but didn't keep up with it. I found some great suggestions in Fred Jones' Tools for Teaching book and on the blog http://misscalculate.blogger.com/ so I think this will be better next year. I also found some cool templates when I downloaded Microsofts Learning Essentials that should help me be more organized too.

I still need more suggestions for turn-in bins and picking up work, not to mention how spoiled I was with grading last year. I had a TA, and next year I won't which means organization will be the key to my sanity.

2) Classroom Procedures- This is where I am stuck. I really benefitted from having my students do warm-ups last year, but without a TA, I don't know how I'll get them graded along with the classwork I assign. I need to crack down on many of my procedures next year- like book sign-outs, pen/pencil borrowing, and when it is appropriate to ask certain questions (leaving the room, etc.)

3) lesson plans- I need to revamp my units. I got a lot of good suggestions from my high schoolers about what helps them learn, so I just need to find a way to implement these ideas. Not to mention I have to create units for two classes- French 2 and my middle school French/Francophone culture elective. The latter hopefully will be the most fun, but I know it will be the most work, as I am working from scratch and have no text or outline to work from. We'll see how this goes.

As the summer progresses, hopefully, I'll be able to add in some suggestions that I find, and maybe someone will actually start reading this and people will be able to respond with questions and/or suggestions as they see fit.

Now I'm off to my French class, so I don't lose what I rarely use- Grown-up French!

Au revoir!

les sentiments et les besoins

Feelings and needs.... that is the core philosophy behind our discipline program. The thinking is if we can get students to verbalize the feelings behind their misbehavior and the things they need to alleviate the problems, students will not act out. Yeah, so when I have a student whom I feel has made it a personal goal to ruin me daily, I am not really inclined to discuss feelings and needs. For some students, this practice is essential and works incredibly well, but for the 13-15 age group, not so much. They are far too cool for such frivolities as recognizing the feelings and needs of their peers and teachers. Like trying to resist the Borg, it is a futile pursuit. Sure, when you do it, they may play along, but will they carry this new found information with them out the door? almost never.

What else can be done? Only the one method is approved; there is no alternative practice. How does a first year teacher garner the respect needed to prevent this from happening? I have no issues with my older students. It's the young secondary crowd that are my constant adversary. What to do... I suppose I should just continue my countdown... less that 9 days remaining.

Les rêves sont inutiles

It can be truly obnoxious to have an impossible dream. As long as I can remember, I have wanted to be famous. Either actress or singer, it never mattered; I just knew I wanted to be in the spotlight. I wanted to schmooze with celebrities and makeout with hot guys. I suppose the money never even entered my fantasy. I think I would even settle for being friends with a celebrity. The main flaw with this is I have no means of "making it." At this point, I'm beyond too old to break into the industry. Oh, and that oh so teeny detail that I'm actually not at all trained in acting and haven't had a voice lesson in 5 years. I am not nearly attractive enough, and I have no way of experiencing that "right-place, right-time" scenario. It is as I stated: an obnoxious, futile fantasy.

I should be content with what I have: I'm good at what I do for the most part. I'm happily married, and have two beautiful, four-legged "children." So why is it that every time I watch a movie, I can't help but wish I was a part of it? At times, I can't even enjoy the movie because I end up daydreaming that I will be in a remake, sequel, or just star in a new movie with one of the actors/actresses. Why can't I just be happy with the way my fate has played out? Why do I have this inane need to be a part of something that will NEVER happen? Ugh.

I suppose one day I'll get over it. Maybe not. I think the only certainty in this is that it will not happen. My name will never be in lights; no pictures will be taken of me on any red carpet; there will be no naked, golden men on my mantel. I just have to remind myself : les rêves sont inutiles.